If you’ve ever avoided talking about money with your partner because you didn’t want the conversation to turn into a disagreement, you’re not alone. A lot of couples know they should be talking about money, but the conversation keeps getting postponed.
In this episode, I explain why avoiding money conversations actually creates more financial tension and how a simple weekly money date can help you and your partner get on the same page.
A money date is a dedicated weekly time where you intentionally check in with your partner about your finances. Using my simple framework, I walk through how money dates create a weekly rhythm for couples to check in about their finances, talk about upcoming expenses, and align on what matters most.
These short conversations help you and your partner reduce tension around money and build trust in how you manage your finances together.
What I cover in this episode…
[00:42] Why many couples avoid money conversations and how avoiding the conversation quietly increases financial tension
[03:18] Why talking about money is a skill and how regular conversations make it easier to get on the same page financially
[06:11] What a weekly money date actually looks like and how a short check-in helps couples stay aligned
[10:42] Why most couples think they have a values problem when the real issue is a lack of structure around money conversations
[15:30] The common financial tensions I see couples experience and why partners are often more aligned than they think
Tune into this episode of Money Files as I share how weekly money dates can help you and your partner reduce financial tension, align your priorities, and manage your finances intentionally.
Are you ready to start asking for help with your finances? Apply to work with me, and let’s start working towards your financial goals.
If you loved hearing about how money dates help couples align financially, check out EP. 132 How to Get On the Same Financial Page with Your Partner: Client Conversation with Dana Johnson on budgeting, financial decision making, and managing money in relationships.
Transcript for “The Simple Habit That Helps Couples Get on the Same Page About Finances”
Intro: Hi, and welcome to Money Files. I’m Keina Newell from Wealth Over Now. I work everyday with professional women and solopreneurs to help them get out of financial overwhelm and shame so they can experience more flexibility and ease with their finances. Are you ready to gain confidence and learn to manage your finances intentionally? Tune in and grab financial tips that will help you master the way you think about and manage your finances.
Keina: Hello and welcome back to Money Files. I’m excited that you’re here. Today we are talking about something that I see couples do. I don’t think they intend to do it, but I want to save a marriage. I want to save a relationship. And so that’s what we are going to be talking about today. But we are going to be talking about that from the money angle. And something that I see couples do is avoid having money conversations. The idea of talking about money might make you uncomfortable because you are thinking about how your partner and you don’t see eye to eye. Maybe your finances aren’t combined. Maybe they are combined. But in some way you do your own separate things when it actually comes to your finances.
And I was talking to a good girlfriend of mine about this because her and her husband, they are doing really well. But she was saying one of the ways that money is showing up for them right now is that they don’t actually feel aligned with their finances. And they both agree that they should be having regular money conversations, but they are not actually having these money conversations. So she said, like even a couple of weeks ago, they put a money date on the calendar. But she was like, I could have brought it up, but I didn’t actually bring it up. And I’m like, because I’m the friend that pries. I’m like, why didn’t you actually have this money date? And she was really honest with me.
She said, if I’m being honest, like I was okay with finding something else to do during that time and not having the conversation because I don’t think I wanted to be in a space and in a position where we are in a disagreement. That’s not how I wanted to spend my time when that money date actually came up on my calendar. If it was 3 p.m. on a Saturday, she’s like, no, I don’t actually want to be in a disagreement right now. So I would say like, I don’t think that there is a dynamic where they’re constantly fighting about money. But when you don’t feel like you’re on the same page, it’s really convenient. May I even say comfortable to avoid the money date conversation and to avoid talking about money because you are already thinking about, like what you want, what your partner is going to want and where there’s going to be some friction.
So when you’re thinking in that capacity, who wants to talk about money? But when I was listening to her, I was telling her that the issue here is actually the fact that you guys are avoiding having this conversation because the longer you avoid the conversation, the bigger the conversation feels, the more that the tension builds, the more that you actually need to talk about, the more that you are coexisting when it comes to your finances and your partner’s doing their own thing and then you’re doing your own thing. And like whatever story and narrative you have in your head, it just gets bigger. So she started talking to me about, she thought that the core issue was their values, but I don’t actually think the core issue is about values. I think the core issue is that if the only time you talk about money is when it’s stressful, it’s something that you’re going to continue to not want to talk about.
So you never can be in alignment about how you want to spend money as a couple or how you want to manage money as a couple if you associate talking about money with stress. And when money is only discussed when there’s a problem, then it always feels like we’re only talking about money when there’s a problem because that’s actually what you’re doing and how you’re living things out. So we have to build in frequency to talk about money because that frequency means that we can neutralize the money conversation. If money only comes up during stress, you’re never going to build the skill of talking about it in neutral moments and talking about money is an actual skill. It’s not something that you are maybe born knowing how to do. It’s something that you can learn. And like any skill, if you don’t practice it, it feels uncomfortable.
And also with any skill, we were joking because we were saying like getting started is the hardest part. When you go to work out, think about, if you want to go on a walk today, the hardest part is putting on your shoes and putting on the outfit and making yourself get out the door to go on a walk. Like that’s the hardest part. The walk isn’t the hard part. It’s getting yourself to that place. And I think it’s the same with the money date. It’s actually saying this is a non-negotiable on our calendar this week and we’re going to have the conversation. And guess what? We’re going to have the conversation next week too, like this is just the thing that we’re doing. Because it’s just something that you do, it’s a rhythm that you have, it’s a practice that you built, then you have more opportunities to talk about money in neutral moments.
And it’s going to change the narrative in your head about what it feels like to talk about money with your partner. These are the things I do with partners in my coaching session. So when I’m working with couples, I get to also be that neutral party, express maybe what one person is saying and express what another person is saying and helping them move closer and closer to the middle so they can see their partner’s perspective and help them have more at-bats and more opportunities to have moments where they can say like, yeah, we actually talked about money and we walked away and we felt good about it. Like that’s my goal, is I want you to be in a relationship, in a partnership where you can talk about money because talking about money is going to ultimately help the two of you achieve your goals. It’s also going to help you identify what are the things that you value? What are the things that your partner values? What are the things that we value together?
I don’t think that you necessarily have to value the same things. There are some core things that you probably want to make sure that you both value like, oh, well, we actually want money. We want money in the bank. But I’m thinking about another couple that I worked with years ago and her husband was like, I just want money to be able to tinker on fixing cars. And I just want to know that I can spend that money and I don’t have to justify it. So that’s what he needed. So we were able to incorporate that, but it didn’t take away from some of the other shared values they had about where they wanted their kids to go to school or how much money they wanted to save. So I often find that both partners want the same thing, but it just looks different.
So just to dive in a little bit more, if the real issue isn’t actually values and it’s not even necessarily about conflict, then what are we missing? And the thing that you’re missing as a couple is you’re missing structure. You’re missing a consistent space to actually talk about money when nothing is going wrong. And that’s what I am calling a money date. Your money date should be a dedicated, dare I say a dedicated weekly time where you intentionally check in with your partner about your finances. That’s it. You don’t have to think about what are you going to control and do we need to solve world hunger, world peace? That is not what a money date is. The purpose is for you guys to have a 20-minute, 30-minute money conversation every single week to align. That’s the goal, for you to align.
And think about it, if you did that 48 to 52 times a year, because I’m going to allow you to travel or have weeks that you missed. Think about if you start that in January and you go to December, more weeks often than not, if you are aligning on your finances, imagine how life changes for you because this money date is going to be a space for you to be present. It’s going to be a space for both you and your partner to feel heard and for both of you to leave knowing what’s going on. What’s my partner concerned about? What’s my partner thinking about? What is something that they’re excited about? What am I excited about? What am I thinking about? So you can align. And then you’re answering simple questions. What’s coming up for us financially right now? You can literally, if you have a money date on Sunday, what’s coming up for us in between this week and the next week? If you have kids, what’s coming up for our kids in between this week and next week? What’s top of mind for us?
You could even ask yourself, what’s top of mind for us even 30 days out? Because if you have kids, especially, there might be summer camp fees coming up. There could be birthday parties coming up. So you’re able to align on those things. You can get the shared top of mind things out on paper. You can ask, what’s important to you as we’re going into this week, as we’re going into this next quarter? What’s important for you when you think about our finances or what you want us to be able to do with our money? Then you can flip it. What’s important to me right now? And just being able to allow this to be a space where we’re sharing about our finances. You can ask, where are we aligned with what we’re thinking about right now? Is there anything, because we’re meeting on a weekly basis, is there anything that we want to do better from last week? Is there something that’s working really well for us?
So these are your opportunities to calibrate because we’re not meeting because something’s wrong. We’re meeting because we want to check in. We want to make sure that we’re aligned. This doesn’t have to be a two-hour meeting. This doesn’t have to be like, let’s pull out all the bills and spread them all out over the counter. There might be a time and a space for that, but it doesn’t have to be in this weekly check-in. So I want you to have a structured time, and I want you to be able to talk about what’s actually going on. What I find, as you’re probably listening to me, you’re like, well, Keina, if this is so simple, why do we keep avoiding this as a couple? And my simple answer is because money is emotional. And if you haven’t actually built the skill of talking about it regularly, then your brain associates talking about money with stress.
Anytime you’re thinking about entering into a stressful conversation, you can think about a million other things you want to do. And so sometimes couples avoid the money date because they’re afraid of what they’ll find. They’re afraid that the conversation will take hours. They’re afraid that maybe we can get to a point where we can’t solve for something, or maybe it’s going to confirm that we’re always arguing or that we can’t actually budget. And sometimes it’s even simpler than that, that maybe you just don’t know how to have a conversation in a way that it doesn’t escalate, because maybe you and your partner have two different communication styles. So instead of actually having the money date, you just postpone it. It sounds like a really good idea, but postponing it just gets easier, and then it becomes a thing that you don’t actually revisit, even though you know it’s the best thing that you should do for yourself.
I know that you know this, avoiding this money conversation only increases the tension, and one person in the relationship become more resentful than the other person in the relationship. Your silence is stirring tension. Instead of you just saying, like this is the day that we’re going to rip the bandaid off, even if it’s messy. And we’re going to sit down and have 10 minutes. We’re going to sit down and have 15 minutes. Like, we’re willing to put in the work to figure out this deal because our relationship depends on it. Let me say that again. Our relationship depends on it. You don’t want to become a statistic where money is the thing that disrupts your relationship, that it disrupts your partnership. I joke that it is cheaper to work with me than to file for divorce because divorces, like one of the number one reasons that couples break up is because of money. And if I can help a couple get on the same page about finances, it helps them show up better in their marriage.
And I’ve had many, many clients that are married. I’m thinking of another client that I worked with maybe about two years ago, and they had been married for 30 years. She’s like, Keina, we went on a trip, and it was the first time that my husband and I weren’t arguing about money. Like, we were able to actually enjoy each other. Like, imagine being married for three decades and just holding anxiety in your body about your finances. Like, not being able to go on a vacation because you’re going to be on guard about what your partner is going to say about how much you’re spending or how much the vacation cost. We were able to work this vacation into their plan and she was able to exhale and actually enjoy spending time with her husband.
So when we’re thinking about money dates and we’re thinking about where values come in, when you only talk about money under stress, you’re not able to explore what you actually care about. You can only defend your position. So most couples aren’t as far apart as they think. One of my, and I’m going to tag it in the show notes, but I had a conversation with my client, Dana. Dana and Dan worked with me several years ago and she came, she scheduled the consult. Dan came as a willing participant, but she wanted to aggressively pay off debt. And she described debt as something that was holding her back from the life that she wanted. And her husband, Dan, needed to see money in the bank account to feel safe. So savings created calm for him.
And maybe on the surface level for them, they saw this as conflict. And the conflict really showed up because Dana would just throw money at a debt. And I’m laughing because I’d be like, Dana, you have knee jerk reactions and you’re trying to pay down the debt so fast because you’re scared of the debt. And Dan wants to keep more money in the account. So they were both valuing the same thing, but they couldn’t see it because their habits look different or their thoughts about money look different. But they both actually valued security. They valued stability. And they valued wanting to build a strong financial foundation. And it was also evident in how much money they were earning. It was evident because they both had side hustles where they were able to leverage their skills outside of work. So they were creating more money to create the stability, to create the security, and to build this strong financial foundation, but they just expressed it differently.
So some of the common tensions I see are security versus freedom, experiences maybe versus having progress, autonomy versus partnership, future legacy versus present enjoyment. But none of these are actually opposites. They’re just different expressions. I think of the same desire, which is safety, freedom, and stability. So I don’t know that you and your partner have a real values problem. I would err that you have a structure problem and you don’t have a structure to actually talk about money to help you prioritize, in this season, how do we want our money to work for us? After the season is over, where do we want to go from here? And to be able to speak and benchmark parts of your life in this way will allow you to see how you and your partner are on the same page about what you desire. So just to talk to you a little bit more about my clients, Dan and Dana, and you can, like I said, you can also listen to the podcast if you go to the show notes.
When they came to me, they weren’t in like a crazy crisis, but Dana was the one who was carrying a lot of the mental load of doing the finances. And I think a lot of women that I work with, some of them I work with both them and their husband, but what will happen is they’re like, I’m managing the money, I don’t know how, and they have this responsibility. So they’re carrying a lot of the mental load and their partner doesn’t necessarily know about that. So some of her bills were on auto pay, some weren’t. Money moved in between multiple accounts and Dana would make most of the payments and then just tell Dan like what needed to be transferred. So they had money, but they weren’t necessarily participating in a way that felt not even equal, but in partnership.
So once we actually got everything on paper, we got it into a budget and we identified like the purpose for all of their accounts and everything was accounted for, we got really discreet with them. Like, okay, we know we want to pay the bills. We know we want to pay off some debt, but we also made savings goals for like travel, home maintenance. We made a plan to accelerate their taxes. We found areas in their giving where we needed to have money for family and friends. They also wanted to have money for personal spending that they knew like wouldn’t disrupt their goals. So Dana got something really important, which was her debt payoff plan. And she knew that if she followed the plan, she knew the exact date that we would pay off her student loans, her IRS debt and her credit card debt.
And I’m saying her, but it was really their finances together. And then Dan got something equally important, which was the ability to enjoy life without feeling like every single purchase was going to derail some goal that they had. And I made sure that in their specific coaching container, that they had individual spending accounts, that nobody could police the other person’s account. And they never changed their income. They had the same amount of income, but I would say that they had more peace of mind around their finances and they had less tension about how finances were being managed. Because at the end of the day, if they had something that sparked for them in terms of attention, we could go back and say like, okay, what’s the plan? What do we need to talk about? Like, let’s see where this actually fits in with our budget.
Because of working with me, they were able to buy a home. Dana’s credit score went up to like a 780 and their real shift wasn’t just financial. It was also relational. Dana told me that there’s an intimacy and trust that gets developed when you’re on the same page around something people place a lot of value on. Being aligned makes us feel closer and stronger. So that’s what money dates build. It’s not just about a budget, but I want you to actually have a partnership. So if you’re listening and thinking, this is what we need, where do we start? I’m going to give you a framework that I use with couples and I want you to think about your six month vision. So the first step, I want you to separately answer where do I want us to be in the next six months? So if you have sheets of paper, both of you would write down where you want to be in the next six months and just get really honest.
And then step two of that is I want you to come together and compare what you wrote. Look for the places where your vision overlaps. Did you both talk about saving money? Did you both talk about paying off debt? Did you both talk about taking a trip together? I don’t want you to focus necessarily on the differences, but look for the places that you actually align because there’s more alignment, I’m sure, than you might expect. And step three, for each shared goal, think about the things and ask, what might get in the way of us paying off $10,000 worth of debt in the next six months? You’re not looking backwards about why haven’t we hit this before? What haven’t we done? But it’s really thinking about forward momentum, forward progress, like what are the real obstacles?
And then step four is I want you to identify your boundaries. Boundaries are where you’re both going to agree to the same outcome. So what boundaries do we want to have around this goal of paying off debt? What boundaries do we want to have around saving money? And it might look like as we’re building our numbers, we want to make sure that we’re consistently putting $400 or $800 a month towards our credit card debt. It might mean that we take a smaller vacation this year because if we can focus on saving money and paying off debt, then we won’t have to circle back around to this goal again, and that would feel really good for us.
Another boundary might be, it’s like we’re going to check in with each other if we’re spending something that’s over $100, not because we have to answer to the other person, but because we want to hold ourselves accountable to the things that we said we want to do. So I hope that as you are listening to this, you found something that was helpful. If you’re in a place where you’re like, Keina, we’ve already done money dates and I hope that you’re reinvigorated. You can use the same structure. You can also just simply, if you already have a structure, just say, you know what, Keina, the next time this is on my calendar, we’re actually going to do it. We can even talk about, at the beginning of that money date, you could ask yourself like, what is the thing that I’m fearing the most? And allow both you and your partner to share. So just being able to acknowledge that there might be some fear of a disagreement.
There might be some fear of like, this is taking too long. And so being able to say, you know what, we’re going to put 20 minutes on the calendar and that’s what we’re going to honor. We’re putting it on a timer. If we don’t finish in the 20 minutes, we’ll find another time to follow up because we want to start reengaging and being on the same page around our finances. So here’s what I want you to remember. You do not have a values problem. You probably have a frequency problem when it comes to actually talking about money with your partner. It’s about having these money dates to make sure that both people in the relationship are mentally and emotionally and financially heard. So you don’t necessarily need more money.
I want you to engage in the structure of talking about money at least once a week with your partner. If you need some encouragement, think about ways in which you have talked about money with your partner in the past that it actually felt good. It felt supportive because you might just need to also change the story that you are telling yourself. And I would say, if you’re listening to this and you’re like, Keina, this sounds so good. We need some support because my partner and I, we cannot do this on our own. I am inviting you to apply to work with me in my five month coaching partnership. So it’s March. We’ll be able to work together through the end of August. And I want that for you. So if you’ve been sitting on the fence, let this be the nudge that you need to just go ahead and book that hour consult. Let’s get to know each other and let’s change how you budget so that you can save more, pay off debt and invest consistently.
Outro: Thank you so much for listening to Money Files. If you’re ready to take the next step to reach your financial goals, head to www.wealthovernow.com/appointment and let’s get started.
